23. The H Word Again

I feel the urge to write about humility again, as I feel it is something everyone with an audience should reflect on. Growing up in a church, I was always aware of the concept of pride, and not the kind of pride as taking pride in your work, or being proud of your self for an achievement, but big, bad, ugly Pride. The smug, always-right, self-congratulating, never saying sorry kind of pride. The self-righteous whine of 'what about me?' and 'now it's my turn!' Grabbing help and then blocking out others' contributions from your mind. The quiet voice purring 'I'm the best', stroking your ego. Despite growing up knowing this is a 'sin', no one ever really explained Pride, or its alternatives, to me. I identify these alternatives as humility, but also abnegation and self-deprication. We know humility is the desired attitude, but what actually sets it apart?

Abnegation is self-denial. It is working unceasingly and expecting nothing back, and upon being praised rejecting it, bouncing it off you and saying 'it was nothing'. It is making yourself nothing, saying sorry to the world for existing. It is being tired but never complaing, wanting something but never going for it, never putting yourself forward or standing up for yourself. Meekly accepting everything that comes and absorbing the hit. Religious people often think this is humility.

Self-depreciation is to criticise yourself. To work and when praised, say, 'oh, it's not that good. So-and-so did most of it. I did nothing.' It's to joke about yourself, putting yourself down, 'I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm hopeless.' I can self-depricate right now, saying who am I to try and say something wise? It's being critical of everything you've ever made, beating yourself up for everything you ever did, afraid to speak up 'cause you'll get it wrong. 'Oh it won't be that good, I won't even try.' Too many people live like this.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. It is doing the work no one wants to do, in secret so you're doing it for no one's attention, and if someone does praise you, to acknowledge the praise, but not prance about with it. It is not living for attention, but paying attention to others. It's accepting your situation, knowing that if this can happen to others, it can happen to you. Why me, well, why not me? When things are going wrong, to find your strength within that, as you know that ultimately nothing is in your control anyway. To allow yourself to be dependant, and be grateful for everything. To not let people walk all over you, but to challenge decisions in an impersonal, measured way. To put others' needs first, but also sticking to your limits, and discerning the difference between what people want, and what they need. To put yourself forward, as you're not worried about what other people think, or about amassing glory for yourself. To listen, allowing yourself to learn.

So how do I responded when I know literally hundreds of people are helping me, thinking of me and praying about me? I could take Pride in that, joke about it hubristicly, live for attention, braying my success. I could take aid for granted and go on, expecting others to wait on me, wallowing in self-pity, 'why did this happen to me?' I could become a holier-than-thou martyr who takes one for the team, suffering in saint-like silence, sermonising stoicism. Or, I could take heart in the privilege I've experienced and the people I've met, thankful for what I've been given, knowing it's not just by my own power.

Playing with some cones.