5. Humility

Something I find that constantly naggles me is the fear of pride. All my life I've been spooked by the idea of being lazy, being whiny, being a selfish brat who thinks the whole world revolves around them. Not being able to move means you can't help but ask for things all the time, or to be escorted around in a procession. Nightmare. Several times, my dad described me as like an emperor with servants, an image I HATED and made me feel so silly, as that has implications of superiority, softness and being spoilt.

I guess there are a lot of correlations between being very powerful and being very weak. In both states, a lot of people will do things for you, and both the privileged and the dependant can be extremely defensive, and self-centred. Whilst I try my hardest not to be these things, I am very specific about what I want, and quite shameless in asking for it. The word 'bossy' makes me cringe because I do want it to be just right, and would do it myself if I could. I am always very conscious of the art of asking nicely, and that, like us all, I can be ratty when tired. As they sing in Frozen, "People make bad choices when they're mad or scared or stressed." Whilst I'm sure I don't come across as paranoid about my behaviour, it is this implication of being decedent or self-absorbed that cloys. To be effortlessly humble, without rehearsing every word, and planning every action, now that's something to aspire to, for everyone. Being dependent makes it all the more important to be humble.

Today my mum and I went back to my old hospital ward because a parcel had been delivered there to me. They had tried to deliver it last week but it had a £12 postal charge, so they sent it back to the depo and left a card. Mum tried to pick it up but they wanted my ID or they'd send  it back to the hospital if she paid the charge. She paid. Good excuse to visit. I did a pride check before I went. No trying to show off about my progress. What am I trying to prove? I made sure I had no expectations about welcomes so I would just be pleasantly surprised by the welcomes I would get.

I think I stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Rachel for about 15 minutes. She's the one who has spent hours with me in the ward's rehab gym these last few months. I got to finally say hello and goodbye to many of the staff I hadn't been able to see in my hurried exit 4 weeks ago. (With 2 days notice). I told them the next time I visit, I would be able to do even more. Weird that you can be proud of your future self. Now that's the right kind of pride. And you know what? My parcel hadn't even arrived.

"Parcel? Where are you my friend?"