1. Boredom

I've been thinking a lot about boredom. I've been in hospital 6 months, and now am in a rehab centre where I have physiotherapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy. The plan is to go back to uni in September. In the times between hour long sessions I sit in the lounge where residents and staff sit, but it feels more like a waiting room as most of the 8 or so (there about 20 in total) residents who sit there are in their own worlds; unable to talk or able to talk very slowly. The staff do make teas, or chat a bit, or sometimes play games like darts or connect four, and they're very nice, but it's not their job to just amuse people. That's up to you. This is a care home for 75% of people as well as a rehab home for others. Whilst the hospital was always busy, with weekly admissions and discharges and a constant flow of different professionals running around, this place is much slower. Whilst a lot of people do their own thing, or sit in their room and watch TV, I like talking. I don't need a how-to for that. Seeing as we have not worked out how I can open my door yet (the problems of wheelchairs and heavy doors) I don't really want to be trapped in my room all day. Last week I was bemoaning to my dad about how bored I was. I will be able to study later on. Currently, I can read or listen to music, or do speech therapy exersises in my room, but these are solitary things, and I can't stand the idea of playing dominoes in the lounge all day. He said, "Maybe there is someone else like you, you know".
I said, "If there was someone I wanted to connect with, I would have found them by now."

The next week, a 50ish year old man called Hugo, who sits by himself in the lounge watching the TV (I think because he's too volatile with lots of the other volatile residents), giggled and waved like a 3 year old when I smiled at him. He then walked over to me with his stroller and slowly, pausing between each word, said, "Hello, sorry I can't talk to you; the distance between us is insurmountable because of our equipment." I said I'd come and talk to him which I have been doing. He chain drinks coffee (not much else to do), and when someone brought him a fresh cup he slipped it and winced, turning to me and slowly saying "I never like the coffee they make me. When I was younger I was spoilt and had really good coffee, and once you're used to that nothing else is good." He reckons he's been here 19 years (This centre has definitely been not been here that long but who knows).

I've been thinking about how God made us to live life with him and so he wants every second to be joyful and peaceful and that is so so hard. I would get deathly bored even before I couldn't run around. I constantly complained about it to those close to me. I was listening to Kings Kaleidoscope's new album and the song 'breathing infinity', and was thinking about how I never want to become jaded, ever. I want every second to be exhilarating, but how can that be done sustainably, in a way that builds me up? What do I pray for? And I guess in praying "God, you can use me,"  as well as "Save me from the tedious things of this world", you have to be prepared for the paradox that in praying for a lifeline for yourself, God may use you as a lifeline for others.

Last summer I wrote a song called 'Wake Me Up' in which I expressed some of these feelings. I've thought about it so much it's boring now. This is a season where God is inviting me to slow down, and learn to be content with what I have.

Embracing my 5-yr-old self. Using your imagination is more tiring than it seems.