55. End. Begin. All The Same

Now Lindsay was gone, my timetable was even sparser than usual. I still saw Kerri, but we didn't do washing and dressing together anymore. A new occupational therapist rotated into our ward, but the only session I had with her was led by Sarah, who had me standing in the shower for the first time. I still saw Rachel, or another physio, nearly every day. Rachel's student Becky, had also gone. I would still sit out in the corridor, trying to hide the fact that I was slowly calcifying. I tried not to show how bored I was most of the time. It was just the nature of hospital; there was nothing anyone could do about it, no need to wallow and guilt trip people. (Yes, I also had lots of great visitors, which is more than some.)

It was on one such day like this, when I'd had no sessions that day, when all of a sudden, I broke. I'd actually been holding back tears of boredom/frustration, when the nurse in charge of getting people off the ward popped up behind me, and said the commissioners had decided, and I could move to the rehab centre in Leicester in 2 days time. The bubble burst, and suddenly I couldn't stop crying. The nurse tried to console me, saying everyone will be nice, and it would be a great chance for me, and it was a big step blah blah blah. I knew all that stuff, and believed people would like me and I'd settle in and make progress. I wasn't scared or anxious, like I presumed she thought. There were just so many people I wouldn't get to say goodbye to, or dreaded saying goodbye to.

Luckily, Rachel was standing right next to us, and sweeped me off into the gym. It was all a bit of a shock. Alison came and joined us, and helped talk it out. The decision took me completely by surprise, and I hadn't thought about how I would say goodbye at all. I thought I had another month. That these friendships would be cut off, and ongoing contact was frowned upon. I was able to calm down though, but cried all again when I told a health care assistant I was close to about the move. There are many staff I never got to say goodbye to, as they weren't on shift.

The next day, I had my last splish splash session. I think we just had splash time, playing with all the floats and balls. I got the physios to bat me around in the ceiling hoist, untill it made an ominous cluncking sound. (It was just me in the pool, so we didn't disturb anyone.) I remember a physio called Ryan hadn't been in the day before; I told him I was leaving the day after. His eyebrows shot up and he went, "tomorrow?!" and I almost cried all over again. Both Sarah and Kerri were off sick those 3 days, so I didn't get to see them before I left.

It was Wednesday 24th March the day I left the hospital. I firmly believed I was going to where God wanted me to be. It just hurt embarrassingly. I left at 3:30pm, because my sister and both my parents wanted to there, so it had to be when mum finished school (she's a teacher). Usually what held up patients leaving was sorting out their medication, but my nurse made sure it was all ready for me. A few weeks afterwards, I wrote a very melodramatic, over-exaggerated tongue twister about me leaving, called 'Hospital.' I tried to fill it with all the sounds I was working on, hence the hyperbole.

When I started saying goodbye to the physios, I said goodbye to Nathaniel first. That set me off. Someone was telling me lots of nice things about me which was making it worse, as I just cried all over again when people were nice to me. Rachel came out of another patient's family meeting and came down the ward to meet me. We hugged there (I cry) then Alison and Rachel walked me down the ward and through the doors. Other staff, and my family were waiting at the door to clap me out. I just kept going, and we walked all the way out of the hospital entrance and I got into my mum's car. It's no one's idea of fun, living in the hospital, but I'd had a surprising amount of it.

When I got to the rehab centre, I met lots of the staff, who were very nice, and Becca and someone else came and assessed me for how the staff should transfer me. It was said I could step with 2 people onto a commode. My family got a takeout meal and we ate together in a room there. I cried so hard I could not eat the food. Lots of things the next day made me cry too. I hated being in a room alone. At breakfast the next day there was a near fight and some awful language (I've never seen a situation here that bad since). My bathroom was a bit daunting. With all this, I was sniffling at a table in the lounge (I hated the first impression I was giving), when one of the care staff said, "it's much better here, there's more community than at the hospital". I just stared at her.

She gone.