41. The National Elf Service

Then Christmas was here. I was still transferred around using the hoist, so I couldn't go home for the holiday. We couldn't all be like Dean, who could go home at the weekends. At least I had reached normal diet stage so I could eat whatever I wanted at least. By that point, I'd started banging on about how I wanted to dress up as an elf for Christmas. I didn't expect anything. It wasn't a children's hospital, so there was no tradition of fancy dress or anything. Bit of a harder costume to make than my ghost-sheet at Halloween. However, a health care assistant called Amy ordered me a suit off eBay. Someone else supplied me with tacky decorations for my bed space.

On Christmas Eve, the night nurse had fairy lights bedecking her drugs trolley, and was wearing a Santa hat. I wanted to stay up late, so thought I'd drink a coffee. She told me the ward only had decaf, so there went that plan. Early Christmas morning, the night staff got me washed and dressed in my costume, and hoisted me into my wheelchair. By the time it was the night shifts' handover to the day staff, I was seated by the nurses' station next to our giant ward snowman, ringing a handbell and yelling (quietly) "IT'S CHRISTMAS!" I was trying to sing along to a Christmas playlist, whilst the night nurse attempted to dance with me. All I can say is, we looked like we'd had a bit too much fun with the drugs trolley that night.

I was tasked with being the Santa's Little Helper that I was, and hand out everyone's presents at breakfast. Of course, I needed to wee just as they wanted me, which meant being hoisted onto bed and using a bedpan. It looked ridiculous; I was wearing red and green stripey tights. When I was ready, I helped give out the presents. Every patient gets given a generic gift bag, 'men's' or 'women's', from a hospital charity that gives every inpatient a present at Christmas. One of the deputy sisters had also been saving up the thank you chocolate boxes from satisfied ex-patients, to give to the staff at Christmas. I had presents from family and friends as well which I had insisted on putting under the ward's fake Christmas tree. (The staff discouraged this in case one of the more confused patients helped themselves.)

In the morning, someone fetched me to go to the chapel. Chapel was held once a month. There were about 5 volunteers, and 1 or 2 (very elderly) inpatients. The patients were always different each month. I went about 4 times, so the chaplaincy actually got to know me a bit. I didn't have much to do with them normally; the chaplain visited me every so often but I never kept him talking long. That Christmas day, I was the only one sat in the chapel, for a long time, in my elf costume, with just the chaplain playing the keyboard. The chapel was multi-faith and looked decidedly un-christmassy (okay, I think they had a little tree).

Mum, dad, Joanna and aunt Ruth joined me, and I think 3 other patients were bought along by volunteers. The service was Church of England, but with a mixed denomination style, and quite informal. At one point, the chaplain tweeted the service. I did sing along very quietly and in a monotone. It was a bit embarrassing trying to find the page in my hymn book as I almost dropped the book each time, and everyone would notice. They also noticed my laughing outburst when Mum, Dad and Ruth promptly stood up for the hymns (well trained), only to be told they don't stand up here as the patients can't. (I burst into giggles another week just remembering this mid-hymn, which again rather drew attention.)

The 5 of us had a Christmas lunch/picnic (risotto) in the canteen. We skyped my other aunt and family in America, which was their first time seeing me, since they couldn't physically come over. I also went on a tour of my ex-wards, back to the Brain Injury Unit and the Intensive Care Unit, giving out chocolates. This trip featured a lot of hospital art, where staff had clearly got creative with medicine pots, and plastic gloves, and bedpans. I saw several cardboard rudolphs and paper snowmen.

My cousins Emma and Sarah came in the afternoon and we played Christmassy games. I felt bad for the other elderly inpatients whose families didn't sound like they were having as much fun as we were. I had a Mexican student friend message me to say she was in Leicester and could she come to visit me? I said yes, but didn't realise she meant there and then, so she joined us. My family all left me to go home and have their Christmas dinner, and I had a hospital sandwich (so the caterers could have a holiday). I proudly wore my costume the whole day long.

(I'm sorry about the groan-worthy pun of a title. If you can think of any better ones please comment below.)

Chapel Elf.